Yesterday I had a my midlife crisis - nothing to do with my kids and totally private!

It was horrible. How can one be soooo old and feel totally normal? In fact I don't feel any different from when I was turning 30. Clearly that was also horrible. Little did I know...

My mother - at 73 - did not have any advise to offer. As always her 7th sense when it comes to my moments of screaming crazy crisis kicked in and she phoned me at about repetition 5627 of  my 24 hour mantra (am old, am fat, am useless.... am almost 50!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

How ARE you darling?

(how am I? HOW I AM? you should know! 50. Terrible . Distraught. I think I need medication...)

She made soothing noises and said: I know, it's bad! (?????????? ...Yes and??? the only alternative to getting old is dying young?????)

Here I was hoping to get some pearls of wisdom from somebody who's been there, but all I got was silent confirmation of my worst case scenario: It's all downhill from here on...

As I look around  at dinner tables, parent evenings, (senior citizen gatherings...) - I think to myself: These are my parent's friends, what am I doing here?

And a little faster each time realisation dawns:  I turned into my parents older neighbour. My parents friends were young compared to me. I am the crazy lady who talks to herself when she parks her car, starts fights with the parking attendants over time spent in the parking lot and can only guess every third or forth word on the restaurant menu. How the hell did I get here? And without even noticing?

There seems to have been no in between time. One moment I am celebrating my 30 birthday in my student flat in Berlin with a circus tent full of possibilities all around me - the next moment I am hyperventilating on my lounge suit in my respectable house in Cape Town with my 50th birthday only weeks away.

I am somewhat afraid that my next lucid moment will be me clutching my Zimmer frame at 80 reminiscing about the wild times I could have had at 50 had I stopped obsessing about my age for one moment and smelled the strawberries whilst still capable of walking above them (as opposed to almost be lying under them.....).

And then again: The last big birthday party I attended was my father in laws 80th in the middle of the Kruger National Park sharing smoked salmon and birthday cake out of a tin with his elder siblings.  Here we were huddled together on a 3 square meter bush hut veranda  in the pissing rain giggling hysterically about his 83 year old sisters attempts to locate a  piece of salmon on her plate and reminiscing about the day's game viewing (look at the beautiful elephant! It's a rock dear...but you're right it's rather impressive).

At the time I thought: Thankfully I am not there yet - but if I ever get this old, this is what I want to do on my 80th: giggle hysterically with my favourite people (without being committed that is!).

Something to look forward to? So why not start today at almostfify whilst I can still see the cake on my plate without binoculars and have kids young enough to boss around (oops, this was not going to be about them).

So here is my one and only new year half century resolution: giggle, laugh, scream with hilarity as long as I can still breathe unassisted.. . (but first I need to go and get my medication  .... HAHA this is a joke of course).


Matti said…
Lucky you , that your crisis only lasted ONE day. I am happy for you that you can soon look forward to the next 50 years of your life being funny and hilarious. That sounds like a good recipe for happiness.

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