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Showing posts from January, 2011

Somebody who looks like me.....

Girlie night out for mums: one glass of wine each (maybe two for the brave ones who don't fear late night calls and early morning risers) one big tub of Woollies cheesecake with 4 spoons and our favourite subject since early nappie days: our kids (what else); this can keep us going passed midnight!

As we are a diverse little group with different stories of motherhood (all of us have adopted, two have given birth, some have tried to fall pregnant, some haven/t) we found ourselves in the midst of telling our adoption stories.

As for me, I don't have much to tell: Walked along Nordhoek beach with Alan one Sunday in April, childless and happy. We got chatting about a letter my dear friend Ingmar sent me a day or so earlier, in which he debated our decision not to have kids. His very flattering (for me) but admittedly somewhat biased opinion was that in a world where every tomdickandharry can and will procreate, people like us should step up and participate - sort of make the worl…

Why did they not want me?

It's all very well to stand up to questions random strangers ask me.

But what, when my children do the asking and I don't have the answers ready? As happened to a mother whose 4 year old adopted son asked her: Why did  they(the birth parents) not want me? What she said was that his birth parents decided he needed a better future and that otherwise she would not have him... and then she panicked and rushed off to the book store to find literature on the subject.

I know the feeling:  The way I fumbled around for an answer when my 3 year old asked me: Mummy am Iblack?  was - well -  revealing to say the least. It felt a bit like walking down a familiar flight of stairs and suddenly instead of firm ground there is one more step than I remember and even though the brain knows it's just another step, the body reacts like its falling off a cliff. Even though I knew she was not in any way alarmed or even sad - only curious - there was this sinking feeling in my stomach and frant…

Another one for the list of stupid questions: How can anybody give their child away?

This is just another one of those idiotic questions we get asked by random people in shopping centres or restaurants - people of -one would  assume - at least average intelligence, education and social competence. Of course as with so many other comments we seem to provoke, it is not really meant as a question at all but rather as a call of judgement.

What they really want to say is: I am so much better as a human being than the birth parents of this child. They manage to pass it off as an achievement that they never found themselves in a position sad or desperate enough where they had to sacrifice their own needs or desires for the well being of another person...

Because this is exactly what most mothers do who make the difficult decision that their children are better off with new parents who will not only love them but also be able to care for them in a way that every child deserves. As was the case with Kala's birth mother Joanie:

Of course she would have preferred to be Kal…